Daily

024.

by Rachel-Rebecka
Kirby – 2006 to 2025

I have been absent.

I lost my cat, my best friend and familiar, Kirby, at the beginning of this month. He started getting sick in April, and he unfortunately succumbed to his illness on May 4th. I’ve been struggling a bit since then.

I got Kirby when I moved out of my parents’ house at 18. He was my little friend, so that I wouldn’t be alone when my boyfriend at the time and my roommates were at work. I remember walking into the SPCA kitten room, and he was the only kitten that was so happy to see me, and when he approached me, I knew I would love him with everything I have for all the time we were blessed to have together.

Nineteen beautiful years.

The crying has stopped, but I still wake up in the middle of the night and panic because I cannot feel him curled up behind my knees (which he always loved to sleep behind because then I was stuck and couldn’t move for the night – bless him, LOL).

I’m 90% sure it was a mixture of old age and cancer. All I could do was make him comfortable and loved at the end, because I wasn’t able to get him into the vet before he passed. We were having a quiet night at home, relaxing in the bedroom. He shuddered a little, exhaled, and then didn’t breathe again.

I miss him. Which is understatement of the fucking year. Pickle Rick avoided the bedroom for the last few days of Kirby’s life… I don’t think he was able to deal with what was going on. It’s been over 2 weeks now, and Pickle Rick is just now starting to come back into the bedroom and cuddle or spend time. He’s never been by himself in his life; he’s always been with Kirby, but I’m just glad that he seems to be adjusting okay, and he’s coming around.

My oldest came to me and asked about possibly getting Pickle Rick a new friend, but I’ve put that possibility to the side for now. Maybe in the future, but not now. The grief is still too much and I just miss my boy.

Daily Music

023.

by Rachel-Rebecka

Sleep Token dropped this beauty on April 3, and I have been listening to it nonstop since the YouTube premiere:

A little bit different lyrically that “Emergence,” a lot more personal and it hit me straight in the feels, but it makes me even more excited for what the album is going to sound like when it comes out on May 9. These gentlemen are so talented – it’s hard for me to wrap my head around sometimes.

One of my goals for 2025 was to take better care of myself. I have been feeling the weight of burnout for some time now, and I finally was able to push past my anxiety and the whole “the office will implode if I’m not there” mental gymnastics I do on myself, and I booked some time off. It’s on Easter weekend, so I will only actually be missing 2 days of work, but it’s going to be a solid chunk of time where I can just… be, and reconnect with myself and not have to worry about so-and-so forgetting their prescription or whoever needing to see the doctor right now.

It’s going to be glorious, and I will take nothing less. I’m going to get out into the sun, into the backyard and clear it up, and I’m going to finally get a hold of the tornado that’s moved through my home in the last little while. I’ve already encountered the “it’s not really a holiday if you’re just going to work around at home” and while I would have agreed with that sentiment 10 years ago, now I find that I enjoy being productive and working around my home. While bed rotting does serve as a lovely thing every once and awhile, if I did that all of the time, I would get bored and angry and develop a migraine. Not so much fun.

To be completely honest, I think I’m closer to burnout that I’d care to admit. I feel the weight of it all the time, even now as I’m writing this.

The only good thing that’s happened in the last couple of weeks is that I am feeling the poetry juices flowing again. I’ve written something that I quite like, and once I hammer out a few of the lines so that it flows a bit better, I’ll add it to the “Writings” section.

I hope this opens the floodgates a little bit. We’ll see. 🙂

Daily Music Weight Loss Journey

022.

by Rachel-Rebecka

I didn’t mean to disappear again. I’ve been having some… mental blocks? I guess you could call them that. Every time I sit down to write, I got nothing. My English teacher always told me that if I wasn’t able to write, just to write about not being able to write, and the dam would break. We’ll see how that goes.

February and March have gone by so fast. I was battling a very nasty case of strep throat for most of it, which took me to the ER a couple of weeks ago because my uvula was so swollen that it blocked my airway. I don’t go to the ER often, so you know if something takes me there, it’s pretty dire. The doctor I saw was wonderful. She gave me dexamethasone (that stuff was a miracle – I didn’t realize how much I was struggling until I took it and all my swelling vanished an hour later), children’s Advil and Tylenol, and an outpatient prescription for penicillin-VK.

Turns out that I have developed an allergy to penicillin, which caused my gums on the left side to become severely swollen and inflamed, and a petechiae rash on my legs. I have never been allergic to any medication I’ve ever taken, so that was a very new situation for me. My doctor was quite concerned, and he wants me to get tested formally, but I’m not sure if I’m game for something like that yet. I’m finally feeling better and eating properly… I don’t want to give that up just yet.

My birthday ended up being pretty low key. Charlie bought Indian food from my favourite place, and we had red velvet cake. So far, 37 is okay. I don’t feel any different. I thought I would be a bit of a wreck about it, because I’m creeping close to the big 4-0 now, but I have found that I don’t really care about it. I don’t feel my age, I don’t look my age, and as long as I feel okay and keep up with my health, I’ll be fine.

I’ve gotten my formal diagnosis of diabetes, as well. That happened. I did the stupid glucose tolerance test (worst two hours of my life don’t cha know) and it came back with an elevated fasting glucose. It wasn’t super high, but it was enough to be over the line. I’ve been taking metformin, but my doctor and I are talking about switching me to Ozempic. He told me that metformin is weight-neutral, and he wants me on something that’s going to help me with weight loss. I don’t see him again until May – if I see my bariatric doctor before that, I might just ask them to prescribe it for me. I scored some samples from the pharmacy rep, but I’m too scared to try it without talking to someone first.

Other than that… life has just been work, school, taking care of the girls, and coven stuff. Also, new Sleep Token dropped and I’ve been listening to it on repeat since it came out. Apparently, we’re getting a new single on April 4, by the name of “Caramel,” but we’ll see. Worship.

Beautiful, right? I swear, Vessel’s voice could melt butter. Sometimes I just marvel at the fact that he’s a real person; that a real person could be so talented.

Anywho. I’m working on some poetry that I’m hoping to polish up and share. I haven’t written poetry in a while, so I’m being gentle with myself. I’ll post that when I feel it’s ready to be shared.